"So what do you do?" It's the classic conversation opener, it's appropriate. It's not going to cause stilted silences like, "Who did you vote for in the election?" or "So, what's your favourite position?" So what do I do? Well, I work in a bar. I pour pints of Guinness for curmudgeonly regulars and I stack glasses in a dishwasher. On Mondays we polish the whisky bottles and wipe down the gantry. This is what I do in that . . .

Salma eats fish for breakfast, Denny drinks whisky and Lorna sits in prayer. I eat cereal, and cake on Mondays. We all like biscuits. They say C2s buy bourbons and live in flats, and C1s earn £30,000+ and eat out twice a week. Averages frustrate me; we're all exceptions. People have always intrigued me. I wanted to know everyone at school, out of school, the exchange students, anyone that entered my world. I once . . .